Dutch Vocabulary: A Contest.

Logolatry

Then there's this thing where a reasonably educated, good humored Anglophone, sauntering along a Dutch sidewalk, without warning stops in his tracks and bursts into loud laughter. No one around him can imagine why. Well, here's why:

English and Dutch almost certainly sprang from the same roots, so many, many words have diverged in meaning little enough to be recognizable but far enough for bizarre twists in meaning. Anglophones can come very close to understanding some simple Dutch sentences without help. Wat heb je in je hand? for "What have you in your hand?" Or perhaps Ik vind dat goed for "I find that good."

But sometimes the relations are just, well, WEIRD. We can even make a game out of this, and in fact I recommend it! Here is a minor example to get us started: What is called in English a squid is in Dutch een inktvis. An ink fish. OK, besides illustrating our game here, it also illustrates the Dutch penchant for startlingly direct talk. None of this "Could you repeat that please?"--they just spit out "Wat zegt U?" Now, to an American ear this comes across as "What the hell did you just say?" but really it's just how the Dutch speak. No wasted effort. An American businessman may think he speaks directly, but if anyone addressed him as bluntly as even Dutch husbands and wives do, he would simply faint.

OK, back to our faux amis. I'll give the best I've found in just my first few days here, just for fun ranked in some measure of increasing interest. Drum rolls, please:

• TENTH PLACE: Afhalen for "take-out," as in take-out food. In Holland you are not allowed simply to take something out from a snack bar, you must HAUL it OFF. I like it.
• Lopen for "walking." Dutch verbs are a laugh riot for Anglophones. You can go on and on, so many of them are just off enough to keep your interest. Heffen for "to lift" --or-- schieten (pronounced roughly "skeet-en") for "to shoot" --or-- delven for "to dig" -- Stop, stop, you're killing me...
• Ja, hoor for something like "You bet". Careful with this one. Don't see it? Do try this scenario: She: "Wanna go out tonight?" He: "Ja, hoor!" Whap!
• Piccolo for "bellhop." OK--where the hell did that come from?
• Kruispunt for "intersection," of streets, that is. Literally a "cross point," which is way too funny, since (1) you had best be wearing a cross when you enter one, and (2) if you persist in driving through Dutch intersections, sooner or later one will have cross with your name on it. No one here can quite decide whether or not a car turning right at an intersection has absolute right of way. At least in Belgium you know that no one ever looks when turning right. In the Netherlands they take it one step farther, actually trying to fake you out...and little crosses at intersections are the inevitable result. Likewise, the string of triangles on the pavement indicating that you must yield or die are called (I am NOT making this up): Shark's teeth.
• Dank U for "thank you." You'll have to speak French to appreciate this one, but let's just say that I canNOT believe this doesn't cause daily fistfights in Brussels.
• Badpak for "bathing suit." I suppose that value judgement depends on just what the wearer is packing, but this is tending towards the disturbing.
• Bioscoop for "movie theater." Scarier yet. Sounds vaguely like they watched Alien one too many times, else I have NO idea where it could come from.

So, a drum roll, please, for...

• SECOND PLACE: Hondpoepzak (poep is pronounced as "poop" in English) for, well..."canine waste bag." Again with the brutal directness. And my advice: don't even go near hondenfokker for "dog breeder."

Here a yet louder drum roll for...

• without question, FIRST PLACE--and I REFUSE to believe that this is not a Divine Jest--goes to: TRAP for "staircase." Perfection. I have bandaged shins to prove it.