34 Ways to Annoy People

A thought

from Across the Board, March 2000.

1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200 percent, extra dark, 17-inch paper, 99 copies.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage".
3. Specify that your order at the drive-through window is "to go".
4. If you have a glass eye, tap it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
5. Stomp on those little plastic ketchup packets.
6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up".
7. Reply to everything someone says with "That's what you think."
8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.
10. Make beeping sounds when a large person backs up.
11. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with prophecy."
12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
15. Adjust the tint on your TV set so that all the people are green and insist to others that you "like it that way" (I do this when leaving hotel rooms).
16. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
17. Publicly investigate just how slow you can make a "croaking" noise.
18. Honk and wave to strangers. (especially with spouse in car).
19. Decline to be seated in restaurant, and simply stand by the cash register, eating the complimentary mints.
20. TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.
21. type only in lowercase
22. dont use any punctuation either
23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone."
25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce: "No, wait--I messed up" and start over.
27. Ask people what gender they are.
28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
30. Sing along at the opera.
31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
32. Ask your coworkers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological problems".
33. Tell your friends four days prior to their party that you can't attend because you are not in the mood.
34. Send this list to everyone in your e-mail book, even if they sent it to you or have asked you not so send things like this.